I've noticed some recent changes in kissing trends recently.
Apparently we don't shake hands with anyone anymore. It has been my experience that kissing has replaced the introductory handshake in many social situations. The only exception I can find for this is the workplace, where since none of us are really happy to see anyone at work, we want to keep touch to a minimum. Lately it seems I'm kissing everyone and as I'm leaning in to kiss them on the cheek I am also saying, "It's so nice to meet you." Well it must be nice to meet them otherwise why would I feel the need to attach my lips to their head?
There's a worrying stage to any kiss. It's the unspoken moment of acknowledgement that both parties are somehow going to have to participate for it to work. The introductory kiss is made more awkward if one party has ignorantly and unfashionably gone in for a handshake. To their surprise and distress they are likely to have their body literally dragged in for the kiss. I love when this is followed by comments made to dilute the nervous tension in the air. "Hahahaha! Oh we're so European these days..."
More awkward than the hello kiss is the goodbye kiss when you really don't know someone. You can imagine the situation can't you? You turn up at a barbeque with friends and you may have been introduced to someone at a distance as you arrive. You probably spend the day talking to a small group of people and then when it comes time to leave you go around the room kissing everyone you know. It is then that you realise there is only one person in the room you don't know at all. You were told each other's names three hours ago but you literally haven't said a word to them since "hello". You have kissed every single person in the room goodbye. Every single person. And here you have arrived at the last unknown soldier. Do you just wave and say "See ya"? I have often kissed this person because I don't want them to feel left out. The poor bastard is thinking, "Please lady, don't do it, I don't need your pity."
And now to my favourite...
The "We Are Going To Have To Have Sex Now" Kiss.
This is for the over thirties only folks. Those of you in your twenties will still recognise the kiss but it might have a different name. The Pash. The French kiss. The Tongue sambo. The Tonsil Tickler. Or The Dance Floor Hack.
This type of kissing is a strange thing. Somehow it can be the most erotic, pleasurable and sensuous of experiences. Yet it has the potential to be messy, unhealthy and uncomfortable as well. Personally, I love it. Have always done. Once you let yourself get your head beyond what it is you are actually doing with your mouth and the mouth of the other person, it is the sexiest thing you can do with a person. Well almost.
In your thirties this kiss is basically a gate way to sex. For married people, I believe it is somewhat of a "Do Not Pass Go/Do not collect $200" situation. That meaning, if both parties let the kiss happen, it means they both have to follow through and have sex. NOT that this should be a bad thing (please refer to my earlier post). I have friends who will avoid this type of kissing for this reason. They miss it. They want to kiss in a sexual way without it leading to sex. Alas, it is impossible.
For the over-thirties single person, engaging in this type of kissing only serves as a reminder of what you would like to be doing more often. So you will also be thinking a lot about sex and will probably try and make it happen shortly after.
I recall that in my twenties, it was still possible to meet someone and kiss them in this way, and not have sex. It seems a long time ago and I'm happy to hear of any changes to this status.
In your teens, pashing is all about numbers. You need to go out there and kiss as many people as you can.
Someone recently told me that I didn't seem like a hugger. Well unless you are my smelly great aunt or a really revolting sleazy man, you're right. I'm a kisser.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
You're not that cool, you work in a shop.
I have a couple of friends who work in retail so before I continue, this post is not about them. Just getting that out there before the tirade begins.
Firstly, what is it with sales assistants pretending to be interested in your life? We both know they don't give a shit either way. I find particular types of retailers to be major offenders of this type of over-familiarity. Surf/urban/hip/street wear type shops seem to train their staff in this sales "technique". The staff tend to be about 12 years old and appear to have been employed because they are the only people who can fit into the clothing sold in these establishments. Unfortunately the only people who can afford to shop in these stores are my age or older. Here is a sample of an actual experience I had in such a store:
Saleschild: Big night planned?
Me: Sorry?
Saleschild: I was just asking if you had a big night planned tonight.
Me: Oh. Um. No.
Saleschild: Really?? (Initially shocked but then gives knowing grin) Did you have a big one last night?
Me: Ah, not really. Just a few wines at my mates place.
Saleschild: Wow, that sounds awesome. I totally feel like doing that tonight as well. It's just what you feel like after a massive day isn't it?
Me: Yeah. It was ok.
Saleschild: So can I give you a hand with sizes?
Me: Um, yeah. Do you have this top in a size 14?
Saleschild: Actually that's a dress but I guess you could wear it as a top. I've never seen anyone do that before but you could totally pull that off. I don't think we have any 14's in that brand. Let me just check out the back honey.
Me: Thanks, that'd be great. (Waits for saleschild to pretend to look for size 14 garment and does the bolt)
Looking back it would have been fun to have approached the conversation like this:
Saleschild: Big night planned?
Me: Yeah actually. It's going to be awesome, super fun. Honey, my mates and I are planning to snort lines of cocaine off a dwarf's head, Freddy Mercury style. Oh, and I think I might wear this skirt as a belt. By the way, you should eat something. Your arms are getting a little hairy as your skin attempts to counter your lack of body fat.
Worse than the overly interested yet seriously disinterested pre-teen sales assistant is the "I'm wearing the clothes you can't afford to buy bitch" bitch. Everyone has encountered this particular type of shop worker. You walk into the stylish boutique for a browse and she barely raises her eyes from a glossy magazine. She's dressed head to toe in the label. She might throw a smile your way but she doesn't smile with her eyes. She is bored beyond belief and this is what she says:
"Let me know if I can help you with anything."
What she is thinking is:
"Listen lady, just piss off okay? I'm not getting off this stool for the likes of you. You can't afford anything in here and quite frankly, even if you could, the only thing you could buy is that scarf over there because we only sell things in single digit sizes. Clearly you lack the funds and I can see from your high-riding arse crack, you are not going to fit into anything here."
Well this is what I want to say to you shop girl:
"YOU WORK IN A BLOODY SHOP!!! That's what you do for a living. And whilst the world needs retailers, you are doing a piss-easy, ridiculously unimportant thing. If you weren't given an eighty percent discount on everything in here, you wouldn't be able to afford it either! So get off your stool before I make your relationship with it much more permanent. Let me say it again: YOU WORK IN A SHOP!!
And I'd like to buy that scarf now please."
Firstly, what is it with sales assistants pretending to be interested in your life? We both know they don't give a shit either way. I find particular types of retailers to be major offenders of this type of over-familiarity. Surf/urban/hip/street wear type shops seem to train their staff in this sales "technique". The staff tend to be about 12 years old and appear to have been employed because they are the only people who can fit into the clothing sold in these establishments. Unfortunately the only people who can afford to shop in these stores are my age or older. Here is a sample of an actual experience I had in such a store:
Saleschild: Big night planned?
Me: Sorry?
Saleschild: I was just asking if you had a big night planned tonight.
Me: Oh. Um. No.
Saleschild: Really?? (Initially shocked but then gives knowing grin) Did you have a big one last night?
Me: Ah, not really. Just a few wines at my mates place.
Saleschild: Wow, that sounds awesome. I totally feel like doing that tonight as well. It's just what you feel like after a massive day isn't it?
Me: Yeah. It was ok.
Saleschild: So can I give you a hand with sizes?
Me: Um, yeah. Do you have this top in a size 14?
Saleschild: Actually that's a dress but I guess you could wear it as a top. I've never seen anyone do that before but you could totally pull that off. I don't think we have any 14's in that brand. Let me just check out the back honey.
Me: Thanks, that'd be great. (Waits for saleschild to pretend to look for size 14 garment and does the bolt)
Looking back it would have been fun to have approached the conversation like this:
Saleschild: Big night planned?
Me: Yeah actually. It's going to be awesome, super fun. Honey, my mates and I are planning to snort lines of cocaine off a dwarf's head, Freddy Mercury style. Oh, and I think I might wear this skirt as a belt. By the way, you should eat something. Your arms are getting a little hairy as your skin attempts to counter your lack of body fat.
Worse than the overly interested yet seriously disinterested pre-teen sales assistant is the "I'm wearing the clothes you can't afford to buy bitch" bitch. Everyone has encountered this particular type of shop worker. You walk into the stylish boutique for a browse and she barely raises her eyes from a glossy magazine. She's dressed head to toe in the label. She might throw a smile your way but she doesn't smile with her eyes. She is bored beyond belief and this is what she says:
"Let me know if I can help you with anything."
What she is thinking is:
"Listen lady, just piss off okay? I'm not getting off this stool for the likes of you. You can't afford anything in here and quite frankly, even if you could, the only thing you could buy is that scarf over there because we only sell things in single digit sizes. Clearly you lack the funds and I can see from your high-riding arse crack, you are not going to fit into anything here."
Well this is what I want to say to you shop girl:
"YOU WORK IN A BLOODY SHOP!!! That's what you do for a living. And whilst the world needs retailers, you are doing a piss-easy, ridiculously unimportant thing. If you weren't given an eighty percent discount on everything in here, you wouldn't be able to afford it either! So get off your stool before I make your relationship with it much more permanent. Let me say it again: YOU WORK IN A SHOP!!
And I'd like to buy that scarf now please."
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
You can therefore you should...have sex that is.
Ok married women of the world. I don't get it. You have access to a perfectly good, consensual partner everyday of your lives and yet you have reluctant sex every six months or so.
I understand you have small children who wake inconveniently and at strange hours. I understand that you don't feel sexy when your pyjamas are stained with breast milk and your hair has mashed banana in it. I understand that you have seventeen thousand other priorities and foremost of these is the replenishment of the years of sleep you are owed. I understand that your partner is basically useless in terms of assisting you in the parenting of your children...try as he might, he can't do what a set of boobs can for a baby. I understand that at times you might resent the poor bastard as he swans through the door at seven at night after a hard day's work and comments on the untidy state of the kitchen. I understand that your vagina has been through a degree of torture that is unthinkable to me and my non-breeding peers.
Nevertheless...
Lying next to you every night is a perfectly good penis attached to a perfectly good man. Whilst we single ladies have many things you don't have (regular manicures, unscheduled daytime naps, weekend sleep-ins, privacy, unlimited drinking opportunities, no responsibility at all, etc etc), we think it unfair that you should not take advantage of your situation more regularly.
Several of you have even admitted that while most of the time although the thought of sex is actually repulsive to you, when you actually engage in it you seem to remember why you once enjoyed it. Sex is free. Sex is fun. Sex is the one thing you could do that would have absolutely nothing to do with your children. Unless of course you are doing that weird attachment parenting which means your baby will be way too close and might psych you out of any erotic endeavour).
So on behalf of all the people for whom abstinence is not a choice, GET ON WITH IT. If you can't remember how its done I can recommend some websites that should provide enough visual cues to get the balls rolling (sorry, I couldn't help myself).
I understand you have small children who wake inconveniently and at strange hours. I understand that you don't feel sexy when your pyjamas are stained with breast milk and your hair has mashed banana in it. I understand that you have seventeen thousand other priorities and foremost of these is the replenishment of the years of sleep you are owed. I understand that your partner is basically useless in terms of assisting you in the parenting of your children...try as he might, he can't do what a set of boobs can for a baby. I understand that at times you might resent the poor bastard as he swans through the door at seven at night after a hard day's work and comments on the untidy state of the kitchen. I understand that your vagina has been through a degree of torture that is unthinkable to me and my non-breeding peers.
Nevertheless...
Lying next to you every night is a perfectly good penis attached to a perfectly good man. Whilst we single ladies have many things you don't have (regular manicures, unscheduled daytime naps, weekend sleep-ins, privacy, unlimited drinking opportunities, no responsibility at all, etc etc), we think it unfair that you should not take advantage of your situation more regularly.
Several of you have even admitted that while most of the time although the thought of sex is actually repulsive to you, when you actually engage in it you seem to remember why you once enjoyed it. Sex is free. Sex is fun. Sex is the one thing you could do that would have absolutely nothing to do with your children. Unless of course you are doing that weird attachment parenting which means your baby will be way too close and might psych you out of any erotic endeavour).
So on behalf of all the people for whom abstinence is not a choice, GET ON WITH IT. If you can't remember how its done I can recommend some websites that should provide enough visual cues to get the balls rolling (sorry, I couldn't help myself).
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