I have a couple of friends who work in retail so before I continue, this post is not about them. Just getting that out there before the tirade begins.
Firstly, what is it with sales assistants pretending to be interested in your life? We both know they don't give a shit either way. I find particular types of retailers to be major offenders of this type of over-familiarity. Surf/urban/hip/street wear type shops seem to train their staff in this sales "technique". The staff tend to be about 12 years old and appear to have been employed because they are the only people who can fit into the clothing sold in these establishments. Unfortunately the only people who can afford to shop in these stores are my age or older. Here is a sample of an actual experience I had in such a store:
Saleschild: Big night planned?
Me: Sorry?
Saleschild: I was just asking if you had a big night planned tonight.
Me: Oh. Um. No.
Saleschild: Really?? (Initially shocked but then gives knowing grin) Did you have a big one last night?
Me: Ah, not really. Just a few wines at my mates place.
Saleschild: Wow, that sounds awesome. I totally feel like doing that tonight as well. It's just what you feel like after a massive day isn't it?
Me: Yeah. It was ok.
Saleschild: So can I give you a hand with sizes?
Me: Um, yeah. Do you have this top in a size 14?
Saleschild: Actually that's a dress but I guess you could wear it as a top. I've never seen anyone do that before but you could totally pull that off. I don't think we have any 14's in that brand. Let me just check out the back honey.
Me: Thanks, that'd be great. (Waits for saleschild to pretend to look for size 14 garment and does the bolt)
Looking back it would have been fun to have approached the conversation like this:
Saleschild: Big night planned?
Me: Yeah actually. It's going to be awesome, super fun. Honey, my mates and I are planning to snort lines of cocaine off a dwarf's head, Freddy Mercury style. Oh, and I think I might wear this skirt as a belt. By the way, you should eat something. Your arms are getting a little hairy as your skin attempts to counter your lack of body fat.
Worse than the overly interested yet seriously disinterested pre-teen sales assistant is the "I'm wearing the clothes you can't afford to buy bitch" bitch. Everyone has encountered this particular type of shop worker. You walk into the stylish boutique for a browse and she barely raises her eyes from a glossy magazine. She's dressed head to toe in the label. She might throw a smile your way but she doesn't smile with her eyes. She is bored beyond belief and this is what she says:
"Let me know if I can help you with anything."
What she is thinking is:
"Listen lady, just piss off okay? I'm not getting off this stool for the likes of you. You can't afford anything in here and quite frankly, even if you could, the only thing you could buy is that scarf over there because we only sell things in single digit sizes. Clearly you lack the funds and I can see from your high-riding arse crack, you are not going to fit into anything here."
Well this is what I want to say to you shop girl:
"YOU WORK IN A BLOODY SHOP!!! That's what you do for a living. And whilst the world needs retailers, you are doing a piss-easy, ridiculously unimportant thing. If you weren't given an eighty percent discount on everything in here, you wouldn't be able to afford it either! So get off your stool before I make your relationship with it much more permanent. Let me say it again: YOU WORK IN A SHOP!!
And I'd like to buy that scarf now please."
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