Punching above weight and getting KO'd.

Do you ever have those days where you are convinced that you are a really attractive person? No really.  Have you ever left the house and thought, damn, I look good.  I'm actually a really good looking person.  I've been underselling myself for years.  Actually, now that I review it, I might even go so far as to label myself sexy today. (Just go with it kids, I'll reality base in a paragraph or two).

So one leaves the house and enters the world with a newly found spring in one's step.  Eye contact is made with the devilishly handsome and maintained for just that second too long.  Outfits selected from the racks are just beyond one's normal safety zone of comfort and practicality.  One walks tall with shoulders back and breasts (yes I know I go on about them) heading in a forward direction.

And then, you see a mirror.

And there it is.  That "Ah shit" feeling.  Is that what I really look like??  And it's like you've just met yourself for the first time in thirty-something years and had actually no idea of your appearance.  It's actually a sad little sort of disappointment.  It's like your head is reminding you of the reality of your situation.  Um, yes, sorry to put it bluntly but you are indeed average looking.  Your head has many flaws and your body is slowly accepting the idea that an investment in cosmetic surgery is no longer something that one might mock.

So it was in one of these moments that my friend Rocket and I decided we were punching above weight.  And worse still, that we hadn't thrown a punch in ages.  We just seem to like men who are way more attractive than ourselves.  Perhaps we should carry a hand mirror next time we sit on the beach and giggle at the guy in the budgie smugglers.  Or perhaps I should ask him out.  :)

Dear Santa...here's what I need.

Dear Santa

Here is my list of stuff that I want. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me I've not been naughty at all lately so you had better deliver.

1. I would like my hangovers to get better each time rather than worse. I would like to wake up after two or three wines and spring out of bed like the eighteen year old shop assistants do. You know the ones? They are irritating in their bubbly, effervescent and completely manufactured interest in your life. Yet you just know they were bouncing off the walls four hours ago on Jaeger Bombs.

2. I would like my arse crack to desist in its mission of world domination. Stupidly I have a mirror in front of my loo at home. When I stand up I often think, "It could be worse, things aren't too hideous, let me just check the behind view....Jesus WEPT!! How massive is my arse??!"

3. I would like the producers of modern porn to start hiring attractive men. It can't be a rule of nature that only ugly men have big penises. Why should women have to watch ugly men have sex? I mean, if Bambi or whatever her name is, is going to sigh and moan and scream about the guy she's with, it's going to be a lot more convincing if he doesn't look like the 50 year old roadie from a Guns and Roses concert.

4. I would like to be attracted to someone who is attracted to me. I know this is asking a lot Santa. And I know that there really aren't that many fish in the sea. But it seems to me a little cruel that I have no trouble getting the attention of the 65 year old guy with a limp and a missing tooth who takes the reading from my electricity meter, yet the men I (rarely) meet for whom I feel an instant spark are usually approaching me to ask me about whether my friend is single.

5. I would like someone to invent a decent umbrella. Raincoats are ridiculous. Umbrellas are annoying, inefficient, painful to carry and only protect your upper third from rain. How is it that we are now in 2010 and we still have inadequate protection from precipitation?!

6. I would like my blog post to reach 100000 hits. I want it viral. I want the world. I want the whole world. I want everyone to realise without me typing it, that I just stole the last two lines from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

7. I want someone to invent small talk that isn't boring. They should write a book that becomes so universally accepted that it will one day be fine to start a conversation in the following manner:

"Hi nice to meet you. Did you mean for your hair to look like that when you left home?"

"Hi. No actually, a bird shat on it on the way and I had to find a public toilet and hand dryer. So are you aware that I only want to meet you because my mother is concerned that I don't put myself out there enough and I just want her to stop nagging?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'm kind of hoping you'll introduce me to your friend anyway. She has great tits and I bet she goes like the clappers."

"People tell me she does although she doesn't really go for men who look like David Hasselhoff when he was in Knight Rider so I'm not sure how you'll do."

"Cool, well when I get bored talking to you, do you reckon you could introduce me anyway?"

"Sure, it'll be a laugh for both of us won't it?"

"Exactly"

8. I want a national DILF day. I'm not really sure how this would work but it would have something to do with there being an amnesty on approaching DILFs and saying the great unsaid. "Excuse me, but do you even realise how hot you are right now? I mean, there aren't many men who can carry a small child and a pool pony at the same time and look sexy, but you do."

9. I want Johanna Griggs removed from my television screen. Is there a show that that woman hasn't done?? She's a massive cheese ball with seriously wide shoulders and boring hair.

10. I want re-gifting to become an accepted past-time. So instead of lame office organised Kris Kringle, you have to re-gift something of your own. This is me doing my bit for the environment. It's also my way of getting rid of the hideous stuff I've been given over the years. I've never been good at faking excitement so I'm not sure why people insist on giving me ugly and stupid things for Christmas. I'm sorry I made you cry but don't wrap things in duck-egg blue boxes and expect anything but scorn if it isn't a gift from Tiffany's.

11. I'd like something from Tiffany's. It ain't gonna happen.