Epic Fails of My Life

So after my last post caused widespread upset and offense, I decided that it was in poor taste, not very fair and undeniably, an epic fail.


I lay awake worrying about it until I decided I would just learn from the experience and add it to the list of my other misdemeanors and epic fails of the past.

And so readers, I have decided to balance out the scales a little by sharing with you some other of my epic fails. Hopefully you are entertained by at least one of my little anecdotes.  As you read, try and imagine the level of humiliation one might experience following an event of this nature, and then laugh as you remember that only a truly stupid person would allow it to happen.

I once attempted to flirt with a guy whilst grocery shopping.  I decided it might be fun to throw witty banter in his general direction whilst "skating" with my hips balancing on the trolley handle.  This works well when the trolley is heavy and weighed down with groceries.  One can have quite the pleasant journey along a supermarket aisle.  Unfortunately on this occasion, we had only covered the fruit and veg sections of the supermarket and the trolley was unable to counter my weight.  Needless to say, within an instant, I found myself pinned on my back by an inverted supermarket trolley.  Apples and oranges rolled past my head as I processed this unfortunate downturn of luck.  Looking down on me was my crush who (with much pity and some embarrassment) said, "That was really uncool."

I once decided that I didn't like having a widow's peak.  My aversion dated back to being forced to play the witch in playground games of "Witches and Fairies".  Of course someone has to be the witch, and being afflicted with a widow's peak means that one is immediately shunned to the coven.  As an adult, I justified my distaste for this inconveniently positioned hairline as limiting to my modern look.  There was no way I was going to be able to pull off the much adored Gwyneth Platrow pixie cut with a whopping big arrow head of hair pointing in the direction of my fairly ordinary nose.  So, in a late night, mirror staring moment, I shaved it off.  Yeah.  I did.  And for the next year I was forced to explain myself to many a confused hair stylist.  "You did what??!!"  Let's just say I had something very odd growing out of my head for some time.

I once skipped a whole page of dialogue whilst on stage.  Whilst the plot went out the window and my fellow thespians struggled madly to establish some sense of order, I was fixed wholeheartedly on saying my favourite line in the script.  You can imagine my disappointment when my hilarious comedy moment fell flat as a pancake as the audience members whispered in confused tones to each other.  I walked off stage, rolling my eyes and muttering, "Shit audience tonight huh?".

I once left seven kids in a classroom reading room and took the other 23 to the local oval for sport.  We were gone an hour.  It wasn't until we were almost back at the school (a good 15 minute walk away) that I realised I was missing seven boys.  As my voice escalated in panic, a couple of the kids in my class said, "Oh yeah, you left the green group in the reading room."  We were gone an hour.  An hour!!!  On return, the boys waved from the playground lunch area.  "You forgot us!!  Hahahahaha."

I once had a tampon fall out of my pocket in the high school canteen line.  I was 16.  I have no idea if anyone saw it but people began pointing and laughing at it lying on the asphalt.  I joined in of course.  "Oh my god (pre-OMG days obviously), what loser dropped that tampon?!! That is SO wrong."

So you see, I have had some absolute shockers. In fact, I should re-title this post "Epic Fails of My Life: Part One".  Because I have enough material here to write a thesis.