Baby Showers and Other Ridiculous Traditions

Dear Friend,

I recently received an email from another of your close female friends. I believe she was head brideslave at your wedding to end all weddings. The email outlined plans for what seems to me to be a baby shower. I realise your friend had camouflaged the true nature of the event with cunning references to "a small gathering" and "casual afternoon tea". But I want you to know that I, and a few other unimpressed individuals, are not so easily fooled. We know what you are planning and we are not happy about it.

At the risk of damaging our friendship I need to clarify the reasons for my distress at what, on face value, appears to be a harmless and even pleasant invitation to an enjoyable social event.

Having been to several baby showers over the years I am almost certain of the following:

1. Nobody will be drinking alcohol except me. I will feel bad about this initially and then will accept the fact that it serves a self-medication purpose. There will be bottles of champagne of course but it will be flooded with guava juice.
2. We will watch you open countless presents for your unborn child. None of them will be too impressive. People attending the shower will have decided that since they're going to have to shell out several more gifts for your child, they'll be needing to pace themselves. So you'll probably ooh and ahh over a packet of plain white Bonds singlets. It's amazing what you can find in a supermarket these days.
3. There will be cupcakes for Australia. Nothing says Baby Shower like a cupcake. It's all part of the "cute" factor. Normally a fan of the cupcake, I'll be reaching past them for the savoury stuff having overestimated the lunch substitutes.
4. Your ex-chief-brideslave/maid-of-honour/pushy-cow will almost definitely reassure us all that there will not be any silly traditional games. Then, it is certain, she will insist we mark the occasion with one, just one, fun, "not to be taken seriously", little game. We will all look at each other with the familiar "Christ. I knew we weren't going to get out of this alive" look before reluctantly accepting our hideous fate and participating.

(NB. For the uneducated, baby shower games involve various humiliating and mind-numbingly pointless attempts at guessing the sex/size/date of birth of the unborn. I have also experienced more extreme gaming. One particular shower (for a really great girl actually...I think something went astray) involved having to guess which chocolate bar corresponded to which smashed up chocolatey mess deposited in a row of six disposable nappies).

So no. I don't want to go to your baby shower. Thanks but no thanks. And while we're on it, I'm pretty sure that most people who received your invitation were less than excited about it. I have rarely encountered a woman who said, "I'm so excited! My friend's having a baby shower in 3 weeks. I can't wait!"

Thirty-something and lost, lost, lost

People in their 30's are burnt out by their own ideals.

I have a friend who has lately been dogged by this phenomenon. She has consecutively dated several men who have turned out to be somewhat disappointing. Lame even. Before I begin the sorry tale, you should know that this woman is capable of maintaining a long (3 year proven) term relationship, is slim, attractive, intelligent, cultured, well-travelled and very social.

The first man she came across on her dating trails appeared the goods. He loved hanging out with her. She enjoyed his company. They had similar interests. The sex wasn't bad. Cracks started to form when he was awkward in the company of her friends. When he was reluctant for her to meet his friends. When he didn't want to go out at all. Anxiety around social situations stopped him from letting the relationship develop. My friend, being the social person that she is, was struggling to find a way around it. Could it be that anxiety is a deal breaker? In my own experience, it can be.

The second lad was of the eccentric, independent and interesting variety. With a bathroom that seemed to house more indoor plants than toiletries and a collapsing bed that eventually gave way and gave purpose to a rather derelect chaise lounge, this individual was behind from the start. The problem with this guy is that he was never available. He worked constantly and even when he was working from home, he was unable to make time for my friend. Once again, my friend ended the relationship. The deal breaker? Neglect and poor prioritising.

The last of these men was on face value, amazing. Successful, cultured, interesting, good-looking, charming and (most importantly) really into my friend. Or at least in the beginning. He came out with a few clangers towards the end. He was all about no contact between dates and dates fall on wednesdays and saturdays and that's how it is unless a boys night falls on one of those nights and then it's just once a week. Something along the lines of "I won't be pushed and it's good that you're not like that - in fact, that's why we work so well". His reaction to the break up was underwhelming to say the least: "Well it hasn't been a bad experience."

So I'm wondering about why these things end so often. My friend is subsequesntly a little down on herself and is unsure if there is indeed something wrong with her and NOT the men she has gone out with. My response is that she is generally a more patient person than most and maybe she needs to be tougher.

But I'm also left thinking that I have no idea why we don't seem to be able to match up these days. People in their 30s can't seem to get their shit together. We don't seem to know what we want despite trying very hard to get it. Women are probably unrealistic about what they want and need in men. And men, well. I don't know what men want. We've probably overthought everything by now.

Everyone is a little bit nerdy sometimes

Everyone has a nerdy thing.

My barista makes the best coffee by far in my local area. He has a cool designer-style girlfriend. He owns a cool espresso bar. He has cool music playing in the shop (with some worrying exceptions). He also chases helicopters. A helicopter stalker if you will. As in, he was cooking the evening meal last week and heard the exciting sound of rotating chopper blades. He screamed at his girlfriend to watch the stove whilst he jumped in his car and literally followed the helicopter to its landing in a nearby suburb. He even admits to being known by several helicopter crews as "the helicopter guy". Yes, he's the one who casually walks over after landing to check out the helicopter and its features and without a hint of self-consciousness, interviews the pilot about his experiences with that type of aircraft.

His assistant in the shop was giggling away with me as he told the story and I challenged her to admit her own nerdy secret. She is an otherwise cool chick. To demonstrate her normally cool type behaviour I should point out that she and her cool husband happened to get married on the wettest day in 40 years. Not to be flustered, she cheekily donned a pair of designer gumboots for her outdoor wedding photos and I kid you not, they are some of the most stunning, amazing, joyful photos I have ever seen. Nevertheless, she and her husband cycle on the spot. They set their bikes up on some sort of stationary rig and cycle together in their lounge room. Even though it isn't traditionally nerdy, it's still nerdy. It's nerdiness is defined by its extremeness. Like nothing will stop their need to ride.

My nerdy thing? Yeah, it falls into the traditionally nerdy category. Amateur theatre. Yes folks. I'm what those in the know call "a carnie". I know a few show tunes. Occasionally whilst trying to impress friends with recent purchases on my ipod, I've been known to quickly skip through a few Les Miserables London Production numbers that have worked their way into the mix. I like to throw a few theatre terms around in conversation with my non-carnie friends to make myself sound even more cultured than I already am. "Yeah, I don't think I can come to the BBQ you had planned, we've got bump-out that day and I'm responsible for moving the flats..." Yes, you see? Nerds away!

I'm also a massive spelling nerd. I am all about "there/they're/their" and "your/you're" and the amount of people who can't spell the word "definitely" constantly astonishes me. I swear I have seen 50 versions of this word. Now this is NOT to say that I don't occasionally struggle with spelling myself. I'm even now looking at the word "occasionally" and wondering how I went with that and if there is indeed another 'n' required. I would be an absolute idiot to blog about my perfect spelling but I do admit that it never stops interesting me. I never stop being annoyed by people spelling words incorrectly on shop blackboards. Capuccino is a classic.

You may scoff at my nerdish ways but you should ask yourself this...if you had to sell yourself, really advertise yourself, to someone you really liked, what wouldn't you tell them? For example: "Hi, I'm so-and-so. I like rock-climbing, surfing, going to music festivals, drinking with my friends and ..."

bird-watching?
collecting war memorabilia?
playing with meccano?
scrapbooking?
listening to Demis Roussos records?
online Dungeons and Dragons?
writing my own self-indulgent blog?

Please feel to add your own nerdy confessions... you know you have something lurking.

I don't mean to offend you but...

Have you ever noticed that right before someone is about to offend you they say something a little like the following:
a) Don't take this the wrong way but...
b) I don't mean to offend you but...
c) No offense but...
d) It's just my opinion but...
e) I don't mean to tell you how to do your job but...
f) This isn't a criticism but...

It is my observation that these phrases are the social equivalent to a get out of jail free card in a Monopoly game. It's like saying: "I'm about to say something now that is utterly rude and offensive but if you act like I have offended you, you will look ridiculous and seem to be totally over-reacting. So toughen up because it's about to hit you and you don't want to look like a complete knob."

Am I too guilty of this guilt-freeing offense evasion? Of course, I've been known to pull out an entire string of these phrases in the attempt to steer a friend away from what I believe to be a bad move or decision.

Example monologue:

I'm no expert on it but it seems like things aren't working too well the way they are. I don't want to tell you what to do but maybe you should think about it really carefully. I mean, and this isn't a criticism, but you're not the best judge of character, are you?

Monologue minus the "no offense" approach:

I'm no expert on it but I think I am in this situation and you're having a complete shocker. Someone needs to tell you what to do because clearly you have lost your mind. I should probably also point out that you are significantly flawed in your judgement of character and you should totally defer to me and other learned friends for all of your decision making.

Yes, and as a post-script, I am truly successful in every one of life's endeavours and so am highly equipped to make this call.