Thirty-something and lost, lost, lost

People in their 30's are burnt out by their own ideals.

I have a friend who has lately been dogged by this phenomenon. She has consecutively dated several men who have turned out to be somewhat disappointing. Lame even. Before I begin the sorry tale, you should know that this woman is capable of maintaining a long (3 year proven) term relationship, is slim, attractive, intelligent, cultured, well-travelled and very social.

The first man she came across on her dating trails appeared the goods. He loved hanging out with her. She enjoyed his company. They had similar interests. The sex wasn't bad. Cracks started to form when he was awkward in the company of her friends. When he was reluctant for her to meet his friends. When he didn't want to go out at all. Anxiety around social situations stopped him from letting the relationship develop. My friend, being the social person that she is, was struggling to find a way around it. Could it be that anxiety is a deal breaker? In my own experience, it can be.

The second lad was of the eccentric, independent and interesting variety. With a bathroom that seemed to house more indoor plants than toiletries and a collapsing bed that eventually gave way and gave purpose to a rather derelect chaise lounge, this individual was behind from the start. The problem with this guy is that he was never available. He worked constantly and even when he was working from home, he was unable to make time for my friend. Once again, my friend ended the relationship. The deal breaker? Neglect and poor prioritising.

The last of these men was on face value, amazing. Successful, cultured, interesting, good-looking, charming and (most importantly) really into my friend. Or at least in the beginning. He came out with a few clangers towards the end. He was all about no contact between dates and dates fall on wednesdays and saturdays and that's how it is unless a boys night falls on one of those nights and then it's just once a week. Something along the lines of "I won't be pushed and it's good that you're not like that - in fact, that's why we work so well". His reaction to the break up was underwhelming to say the least: "Well it hasn't been a bad experience."

So I'm wondering about why these things end so often. My friend is subsequesntly a little down on herself and is unsure if there is indeed something wrong with her and NOT the men she has gone out with. My response is that she is generally a more patient person than most and maybe she needs to be tougher.

But I'm also left thinking that I have no idea why we don't seem to be able to match up these days. People in their 30s can't seem to get their shit together. We don't seem to know what we want despite trying very hard to get it. Women are probably unrealistic about what they want and need in men. And men, well. I don't know what men want. We've probably overthought everything by now.