Baby Showers and Other Ridiculous Traditions

Dear Friend,

I recently received an email from another of your close female friends. I believe she was head brideslave at your wedding to end all weddings. The email outlined plans for what seems to me to be a baby shower. I realise your friend had camouflaged the true nature of the event with cunning references to "a small gathering" and "casual afternoon tea". But I want you to know that I, and a few other unimpressed individuals, are not so easily fooled. We know what you are planning and we are not happy about it.

At the risk of damaging our friendship I need to clarify the reasons for my distress at what, on face value, appears to be a harmless and even pleasant invitation to an enjoyable social event.

Having been to several baby showers over the years I am almost certain of the following:

1. Nobody will be drinking alcohol except me. I will feel bad about this initially and then will accept the fact that it serves a self-medication purpose. There will be bottles of champagne of course but it will be flooded with guava juice.
2. We will watch you open countless presents for your unborn child. None of them will be too impressive. People attending the shower will have decided that since they're going to have to shell out several more gifts for your child, they'll be needing to pace themselves. So you'll probably ooh and ahh over a packet of plain white Bonds singlets. It's amazing what you can find in a supermarket these days.
3. There will be cupcakes for Australia. Nothing says Baby Shower like a cupcake. It's all part of the "cute" factor. Normally a fan of the cupcake, I'll be reaching past them for the savoury stuff having overestimated the lunch substitutes.
4. Your ex-chief-brideslave/maid-of-honour/pushy-cow will almost definitely reassure us all that there will not be any silly traditional games. Then, it is certain, she will insist we mark the occasion with one, just one, fun, "not to be taken seriously", little game. We will all look at each other with the familiar "Christ. I knew we weren't going to get out of this alive" look before reluctantly accepting our hideous fate and participating.

(NB. For the uneducated, baby shower games involve various humiliating and mind-numbingly pointless attempts at guessing the sex/size/date of birth of the unborn. I have also experienced more extreme gaming. One particular shower (for a really great girl actually...I think something went astray) involved having to guess which chocolate bar corresponded to which smashed up chocolatey mess deposited in a row of six disposable nappies).

So no. I don't want to go to your baby shower. Thanks but no thanks. And while we're on it, I'm pretty sure that most people who received your invitation were less than excited about it. I have rarely encountered a woman who said, "I'm so excited! My friend's having a baby shower in 3 weeks. I can't wait!"